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如何應(yīng)對家庭生活中的經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力?

如何應(yīng)對家庭生活中的經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力?

Jean Chatzky 2013-12-20
經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力在兩性關(guān)系中的普遍程度遠(yuǎn)遠(yuǎn)超出我們的想象。它主要表現(xiàn)為夫妻中的一方在家庭開支決策方面占據(jù)主導(dǎo)地位,導(dǎo)致另一方處處受限,情緒低落。那么,我們?nèi)绾伟l(fā)現(xiàn)、如何避免這個問題呢?

????眾所周知,夫妻之間經(jīng)常因?yàn)榻?jīng)濟(jì)問題發(fā)生爭吵。事實(shí)上,許多人爭吵的核心問題都與債務(wù)有關(guān),而節(jié)日季更是經(jīng)濟(jì)問題導(dǎo)致爭吵的高發(fā)期。

????信用分查詢網(wǎng)站CreditKarma.com近期一份調(diào)查的大標(biāo)題稱,事實(shí)上,每十對夫妻中就有一對認(rèn)為家中存在“經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力”。這種說法對我而言很新鮮(我本人研究經(jīng)濟(jì)問題已經(jīng)有20年之久)——而且我認(rèn)為許多讀者肯定也是第一次聽說。

????到底什么是經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力?我們所說的青少年暴力、網(wǎng)絡(luò)暴力或者職場暴力等,都是指擁有權(quán)力的一方,威脅其他人按自己的意愿去做事。德雷塞爾大學(xué)(Drexel University)夫妻與家庭治療系(Couple and Family Therapy Department)的臨床訓(xùn)練主任、關(guān)系治療師阿吉?J?艾倫博士認(rèn)為,經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力與其他暴力行為基本相同?!敖?jīng)濟(jì)暴力的根源也是權(quán)力和控制。也就是說,夫妻一方對于對方如何花錢,態(tài)度上非常專橫,令人懼怕。這也是夫妻關(guān)系即將出現(xiàn)問題的標(biāo)志。”一個人的經(jīng)濟(jì)自由越少,在這種關(guān)系當(dāng)中就越容易受到傷害。

????我們在研究這些具體的暴力行為(CreditKarma將經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力行為分成了五種)和應(yīng)對方法之前,首先要拋棄一些先入為主的觀念。據(jù)CreditKarma網(wǎng)站的調(diào)查顯示,經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力現(xiàn)象不存在性別差異。感覺受到欺負(fù)的男性與女性比例基本相同。這種現(xiàn)象在千禧一代和Y一代的年輕人當(dāng)中要比在X一代和嬰兒潮一代更加普遍。而且,經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力不分階層。弗吉尼亞州里士滿市的理財規(guī)劃師麗莎?哈徹曾就此寫過文章,表示自己親眼見過收入高達(dá)六位數(shù)的家庭和低收入家庭同樣存在經(jīng)濟(jì)暴力現(xiàn)象。

????以下是四種最常見的暴力行為和應(yīng)對建議:

????? 讓我對自己的購物習(xí)慣感到愧疚。首先,考慮一下是否有什么事情讓你感到“愧疚”。不論是為家人購買日用雜貨,還是在節(jié)日為所有人買禮物,只要你清楚自己是在理性購物,并不過火,也沒有超出家庭預(yù)算,就可以擺脫對方給你造成的愧疚感。可以要求與對方互換角色一周——這樣,從來沒有去過雜貨店、或者說從來沒有給孩子買過衣服的一方就能知道這些開銷到底有多大。另一方面,如果你的購物行為已經(jīng)影響到了家庭支付其他賬單的能力或儲蓄的計劃,那么你可能已經(jīng)深感愧疚,而對方的暴力只是火上澆油而已。從現(xiàn)在開始主動留意自己的消費(fèi)情況,看看能否減少開支。

????We all know that couples fight about money. In fact, as many fights are debt-centric, the holidays are high season for knock down drag out financial brawls.

????But the fact that one in 10 married folks thinks their spouse is a financial bully? That headline, from a recent CreditKarma.com survey, was news to me—which makes me think it'll be news to you, too (I've been covering this world for 20 years.)

????What exactly is financially bullying? When we talk about teen bullying or online bullying or workplace bullying, it's when a person in a position of power intimidates another person to do what they want. Financial bullying is very much the same, says Relationship Therapist Argie J. Allen, Ph. D. Director of Clinical Training at Drexel University's Couple and Family Therapy Department. "Financial bullying is all about power and control. So one spouse might be particularly dictatorial – and intimidating -- over how the other handles money. It's also a sign of trouble to come. "The less financial freedom a person has, the more vulnerable they are in the relationship.

????Before we take a look at the specific bullying behaviors (CreditKarma isolated five) and what to do about them, let's dispense with some pre-conceived notions. According to the research, bullying is an equal opportunity offense. Just as many men feel bullied as women. It's actually more common among the younger members of the Millennial and Y generations than it is among Xers and Boomers. And, it happens across the economic spectrum. Lisa Hatcher, a financial planner in Richmond, VA who has written on the subject, says she sees it among six-figure earners as well as people who earn substantially less.

????Here are four of the most common bullying behaviors – and advice for how to deal:

????? Makes me feel guilty for my shopping habits. First, consider whether or not you have anything to feel "guilty" about. Whether you're buying groceries for your family – or gifts for everyone on your holiday list – knowing you're shopping smartly, not going overboard and keeping within the family budget, can help you shut down a bully's ability to make you feel guilty. Ask the bully to switch roles for a week – asking someone who never grocery shops or buys clothes for the kids will open their eyes to just how expensive it can be. If, on the other hand, your shopping is getting in the way of the family's ability to pay its other bills or save, chances are you feel guilty already and the bully is just piling on. Start tracking your spending independently to see where you can make cuts.

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