如今，旅行者比以往任何時候都更加注重“返璞歸真”，但郵輪行業(yè)卻反其道而行之，在徹頭徹尾的人造娛樂領(lǐng)域投入重金?；始壹永毡揉]輪公司在這一方面一馬當先，其超級郵輪本身就是旅游勝地：郵輪上的餐廳、博彩、百老匯水準的音樂劇、安靜的迪斯科舞會、溜冰場、卡拉ok、跳舞俱樂部以及遠離塵囂的體驗是如此的引人入勝，一些乘客在郵輪靠岸時甚至連頭都懶得抬一下。

因此，當這家公司邀請我擔任其最大的郵輪“海洋和諧號”（有5個泰坦尼克號那么大）的臨時總監(jiān)時，我感到自己將迎來人生中最為狂躁的一周。

作為郵輪總監(jiān)，我的主要責任是確保6322名乘客和2200多名船員能夠愉快地度過這段時光。在一周的時間中，我參與了郵輪上各個部門的工作，從郵輪的狀態(tài)和娛樂一直到船上營收，以確保所有人和所有事情都能和諧地運轉(zhuǎn)。從準備全球最大的自助餐，到預(yù)防腸胃疾病，再到款待明星貴客，一旦你成為了這座海上浮城的市長，所有的事情都會變得無比瘋狂。

郵輪暗語

暗語對于船員來說至關(guān)重要，因為一旦出了什么問題，船員之間的交流不會讓乘客們感到驚慌失措。“30-30”是指船員要求維護部門清理臟亂現(xiàn)場；在崗期間，我曾三次提到“PVI”（公共嘔吐事件）?！癆lpha”意指醫(yī)療緊急事件，“Bravo”指的是火情，而“Kilo”則是要求所有員工向其緊急崗位匯報。請留意“Echo”這個詞，它是指郵輪開始進入漂流狀態(tài)，還有“Oscar”這個詞，意思是有人從船上落水。一位船員對我說，他在10年的郵輪生涯中僅經(jīng)歷過4-5次“Oscar”事件。

醉酒乘客在郵輪上無可遁形

一說到無限暢飲套餐，人們就會聯(lián)想到在海上花天酒地，這是不可能的。僅有8%-10%的乘客購買了無限暢飲套餐，皇家加勒比的乘客大多都是以家庭為單位，而且郵輪也會密切監(jiān)視那些購買了這些套餐的乘客。所有含酒精的飲料都是用量杯倒的。郵輪可能會臨時吊銷醉酒乘客的郵輪卡（船上的信用卡），從而禁止其在郵輪的所有酒吧飲酒。郵輪上點名頻率最高的酒精飲品莫過于火龍肉桂威士忌。

郵輪資深醫(yī)師伊萬·德·拉·洛薩稱，當郵輪?？磕鞲缈谱婷窢枙r，酒精引發(fā)的問題最為嚴重。在陸地上西諾弗洛格斯區(qū)毫無節(jié)制的飲酒，再加上熱帶的高溫和幾杯墨西哥自來水，“公共嘔吐事件”也就將成為必然。

郵輪工作人員會經(jīng)常委婉地提醒乘客

進入船艙，首先映入乘客眼簾的可能是電視屏幕上循環(huán)播放的一段有關(guān)“洗手”的趣味廣告詞。它與凱蒂·佩里的歌一樣朗朗上口，旨在引導人們前往郵輪的Purel泵。每一個泵都由高級員工特意安放在高密集人流交匯區(qū)（例如通過主餐廳和劇院的入口處）。這段廣告詞是船員為避免出現(xiàn)可能的諾瓦克病毒爆發(fā)而采取的舉措之一。同樣，大型群體活動司儀也會開玩笑說，“你們今天洗了50次手嗎？我已經(jīng)洗了！”。

但衛(wèi)生只是這種經(jīng)常性隱性提醒的目的之一。當郵輪的某些區(qū)域過于擁擠時，郵輪會通過舉行一些推廣活動來分散客流，這種讓游客在不同區(qū)域游走的舉措也是在巧妙地刺激游客分散（并提升）其船上消費。例如，如果賭場的營收偏低，高級管理層可能會在離老虎機較遠的位置舉行抽獎或卡拉ok活動，以鼓勵乘客在賭場多逗留（如果能開賭就更理想了）一會?；顒咏?jīng)理甚至會在錄制每日新聞播報的時候拿著一杯星巴克冰咖啡，以默默地提醒游客，他們可以在第六層享用超大杯拿鐵。通常，這些隱性的聲明是為了提升郵輪的收益。

郵輪圣經(jīng)

經(jīng)驗老道的郵輪總監(jiān)德魯·帕夫洛夫（也就是我在郵輪上的師傅）有一本圣書，上面記錄著一些愚蠢的評語和問題，并作為一種通行權(quán)由上一任郵輪總監(jiān)傳給下一任，同時也能夠為活動司儀提供不錯的即興演講素材。

帕夫洛夫贈給我的這本書上記錄著不少怪誕問題，包括：“前往郵輪前部的扶梯在哪？”以及“廁所的水可以飲用嗎？”和“船員每天晚上回家需要花多長的時間？”在我上任三天后，我收到了自己最喜歡而且能夠?qū)懭霑械囊粋€問題。當時，一名乘客攔下了我，然后抱怨無法找到自己的船艙。她說，郵輪停倒了。

所有乘客基本上吃的都是一樣的食物

“海洋和諧號”冰箱的大小與紐約市一居室的公寓差不多，而且物品的擺放也是門藝術(shù)。在每次航行之前，庫存團隊會收到足夠供20多個不同的用餐場所使用的原材料，以及船上2000名船員的補給。（總成本，包括至紙巾在內(nèi)的其他消耗品，約為80萬美元。）如果對訂單需求預(yù)估過量，此次航行的利潤就會降低（而且會造成浪費）；如過預(yù)估不足，那么一只椰香蝦也有可能會引起游客的騷亂。

幸運的是，乘客的餐飲習慣基本上是可以預(yù)測的。在平均時長一周的郵輪上，皇家加勒比預(yù)估其80%的乘客均為美國人，將消耗約3000瓶紅酒，7000磅雞胸肉以及近10萬個雞蛋。

如果美國人的比例超過了80%，那么郵輪會預(yù)定更多的番茄醬。當中國游客比例增加時，他們會增加對水果切片、海鮮和大米的預(yù)訂。拉美人會消耗更多的紅肉和科羅娜啤酒（同時還需要更多的酸橙）。同時，針對家庭的春歇季郵輪則需要預(yù)訂三倍量的雞塊。唯一一個從未發(fā)生變化而且與人種無關(guān)的物品就是廁紙。每周會用掉約9600卷。

每艘郵輪都有“感染暴發(fā)預(yù)防方案”，而且是一觸即發(fā)

游輪上最恐怖的事情莫過于諾瓦克病毒的暴發(fā)。洛薩醫(yī)生稱，這種暴發(fā)總是源于攜帶病毒的登船乘客，而不是郵輪的衛(wèi)生問題。

美國衛(wèi)生部要求所有的郵輪都制定詳細的“感染暴發(fā)預(yù)防方案”（OPP）。在和諧號郵輪上，通常的衛(wèi)生條件被稱為“OPP1”，一旦出現(xiàn)了“6名病人在6小時內(nèi)生病”的情況，這一級別就會上升為“OPP2”。（一旦船員在宣傳“洗手”一事上不再那么隱晦時，你就應(yīng)該知道郵輪已經(jīng)開始全面實施“OPP2”了。）

如果患病乘客比例進一步提升，而且級別達到了OPP3，那么郵輪將不再允許乘客們自己拿取食物。所有船員，從冰舞人員到花樣游泳隊員，都將在自助餐廳服役，幫助分發(fā)食物，而且所有餐廳和客房的桌布和床單都將放在紅色的防生物危害袋中，并在陸地上的特殊設(shè)施中進行反復清洗。

花樣滑冰者和資深船員克里斯·梅比說，如果想要避免諾瓦克病毒之類的感染，不要參加短途航行?！斑@些旅程一般會盡量壓低價格，以吸引那些容易生病的老年游客以及那些將衛(wèi)生拋之腦后的年輕縱酒客?！?

海上最常見的疾病都有哪些？其中包括上呼吸道感染、淤傷以及奇怪的偉哥事故。由于不乏愛意濃濃的蜜月者，因此尿路感染也很常見，而且當乘客沉迷于其無限暢飲套餐時，服用抗生素也是十分危險的事情。

船員訓練有素，好色乘客無可乘之機

正如帕夫洛夫所說的那樣，與乘客有染的工作人員將得到“雞肉還是牛肉”的問候，也就是說這類工作人員將搭乘第一個航班打道回府，而空乘人員將詢問上述問題。

這個零容忍政策似乎是全行業(yè)的標準，皇家加勒比公司甚至為員工提供如何化解升級情形的培訓課程。通常的情況是，度假乘客會試圖引誘船上員工。“每當我與乘客照相時，我的兩只手總是會豎起大拇指”，帕夫洛夫說道?！拔业碾p手都放在顯眼的位置，因此乘客也就無法以不當行為為由來投訴我?！庇捎跀z像頭基本上遍布郵輪的每個角落，在郵輪上偷吃禁果比搶銀行還難。（但一些船員也會使用同性交友軟件Grindr或異性交友軟件Tinder來查看船上都有哪些乘客。）

但員工生活區(qū)卻是名副其實的愛巢

由于擁有2200名船員，郵輪的員工生活區(qū)本身也是個小部落，船艙、酒吧、食堂、商店和健身房分布在0、1、2、3和12層甲板上。（大多數(shù)服務(wù)都源于稱之為“I-95”的第2層甲板走廊。）

在員工之間，公司不僅允許約會，而且還會采取措施鼓勵這一行為。因為員工在整個合約期都生活在船上，沒有假期，通常1年要呆10個月的時間。他們都有自己的日常活動日程，從卡拉ok一直到撲克牌課和外語課等。由于無線網(wǎng)絡(luò)十分昂貴，因此情侶只能靠模擬信號來傳遞相思之情。

在船上談戀愛就像是按照狗年（狗的一年相當于人的七年——譯者注）的概念來約會，也就是進程將縮短七倍的時間。多個船員曾稱，她們與新男友約會一個月后便提出了同居要求，或者在遇到某人的第一周便拋出了“我愛你”的炸彈。由于雙方的關(guān)系通常會在其中一人離船后結(jié)束，因此郵輪上的戀人們傾向于結(jié)成“終身伴侶”（幾乎我所遇到的所有高層都是在船上結(jié)識其配偶。）

郵輪上有會變魔法的精靈

雖然大減價折扣幫助郵輪吸引了大量的乘客，但購買皇家加勒比的VIP會員才能夠真正尊享奢華的體驗。獲得這一體驗的最簡單方式便是預(yù)定皇家套房星級艙。在海洋和諧號上，這一最最精華的艙位擁有10套最先進的客房，并能夠為賓客提供特權(quán)，參觀船上謝絕普通游客訪問的場所，同時享受由一群“皇家精靈”提供的管家式服務(wù)。

這些訓練有素的精靈將滿足您的所有需求，但由于海上資源有限，因此對于服務(wù)創(chuàng)造力有著很高的要求。丹尼爾是其中的一名精靈，曾經(jīng)有一對夫婦要求他在其房間擺滿鮮花。由于無法獲得真正的花束，他讓面點團隊烘焙了幾十個花瓣狀的曲奇，并將其灑落在房間中。當一個家庭因12月旺季航行而被拒之門外時，精靈安德烈將套房點綴了一番，并在臨時搭建的圣誕樹下放置了包好的禮物，讓他們提前過了個圣誕節(jié)，并藉此給他們帶來了驚喜。

“當船上有明星的時候，事情最為棘手”，安德烈說道。他曾為不少一線明星和其家人提供過服務(wù)，包括凱爾?！じ裉m莫、亞當·桑德勒和塞斯·羅根。他說，為了讓他們能夠在數(shù)千名乘客中享受私密的時光，“我們會在燈光暗下來之后讓他們進入演出現(xiàn)場，然后在演出結(jié)束前5分鐘帶他們離場。”

不管你是如何拿到的VIP身份，或者不管你是否持有這一身份，我在船上的親身經(jīng)歷告訴我，所有的員工都將一如既往地盡其最大努力，讓乘客滿意而歸。如果你想要感謝他們，小費是個不錯的選擇，但是在評論卡上點名表揚某一位出色的工作人員會帶來更好的效果。你的表揚會出現(xiàn)在他們的永久記錄中，能夠讓他們享受到船上的一些福利，例如免費無線網(wǎng)絡(luò)，并為他們的升遷鋪平道路。（財富中文網(wǎng)）

譯者：Pessy

審校：夏林

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At a time when travelers are feeling more precious than ever about “authentic experiences,” the cruise industry is doubling down on the exact opposite: completely manufactured fun. Leading the pack is Royal Caribbean Cruises Ltd., whose mega-ships are destinations unto themselves: Its restaurants, casinos, Broadway-caliber musicals, silent disco parties, skating rinks, karaoke, dance clubs, and escape-the-room experiences are such strong lures, some guests don’t even bother to look up where the ship is docking.

So when the cruise line invited me to join the ranks as temporary director of its largest ship, Harmony of the Seas—which is as big as five Titanics—I knew I was signing up for the most manic week of my life.

As cruise director, my primarily responsibility was seeing to the happiness of 6,322 passengers and 2,200-plus crew. Over the course of a week, I had my hands in every department, from ship activities and entertainment to onboard revenue, making sure that everyone and everything worked in, well, harmony. From stocking the world’s biggest buffet and staving off gastrointestinal disasters to hosting celebrity guests, everything is 10 times crazier when you’re mayor of a city that’s floating in the middle of the sea.

There Is Secret Cruise Code Language

It’s crucial for the staff to have code words so that passengers don’t get freaked out if something goes wrong. A “30-30” means the crew is asking maintenance to clean up a mess; three times during my stint I called in a “PVI” (public vomiting incident). An “Alpha” is a medical emergency, a “Bravo” is a fire, and “Kilo” is a request for all personnel to report to their emergency posts, which happens in the event of, say, a necessary evacuation. Be wary of “Echo,” which is called if the ship is starting to drift, or “Oscar,” which means someone’s gone overboard. A crew member told me he’s had only four or five “Oscars” in 10 years of cruising.

Drunk Guests Can’t Outsmart the On-Board Bartenders

If you thought those all-you-can-drink beverage packages were directly correlated with drunk debauchery at sea, think again. Only eight to 10 percent of passengers purchase unlimited booze packages—Royal Caribbean’s guests are largely family travelers—and those who do are carefully monitored. Every single alcoholic beverage is poured with a jigger. Intoxicated passengers can have their SeaPasses (onboard credit cards) temporarily disabled, barring them from being served at any of the ship’s bars. As for the most popular alcoholic beverage ordered on board? It’s a cinnamon fireball shot.

According to Ivan De La Rosa, the ship’s senior doctor, the biggest issue involving alcohol is when the ship is docked in Cozumel, Mexico. Mix an afternoon of unregulated drinking on land at Se?or Frogs with tropical heat and a few glasses of Mexican tap water, and you’ve got yourself a guaranteed “PVI.”

Cruise Staffers Regularly Engage in Subliminal Messaging

The first thing guests likely see in their cabins is a gleeful jingle about hand-washing looping on their television screen. It’s catchy as a Katy Perry song and meant to steer you toward Purel pumps around the ship, each carefully positioned at high-traffic junctions (think entrances to the main dining halls and theaters) by senior staff. Along with the emcees’ banter at large group events—“Have you washed your hands 50 times today? I have!”—the jingle is part of the crew’s unwavering effort to stave off a potential Norovirus outbreak.

But sanitation is just one aim of the frequent subliminal messaging. Special promotions around the ship encourage passengers to scatter when certain areas become congested, and moving guests around the ship subtly encourages them to diversify (and increase) their onboard spending. If casino revenue is low, for instance, senior management might host a raffle or karaoke event at the far side of the slots to drive foot traffic and encourage passengers to linger (or better yet, play) a while. Activities managers will even film their daily newscast about onboard events with Starbucks iced coffees in hand, as a quiet reminder that passengers can get their venti latte fix on Deck Six. Often times, these veiled announcements are aimed at boosting the ship’s bottom line.

There Is a Cruise Ship Burn Book

Dru Pavlov, veteran cruise director and my mentor during this Royal Caribbean stint, keeps a hallowed book of stupid comments and questions; passed down from one cruise director to the next as a right of passage, it makes great vamping material for event emcees.

The book Pavlov bequeathed to me included such doozies as: “Where’s the elevator to get to the front of the ship?” Others include “Is the toilet water drinkable?” and “How long does it take the crew to get home every night?” My favorite contribution came three days into my tenure, when a passenger stopped me to complain that she could no longer find her cabin. The ship had been parked backwards, she claimed.

All Cruise Guests Basically Eat the Same Things

Freezers on board Harmony of the Seas are the size of New York studio apartments—and stocking them is an art form. Before each sailing, the inventory team receives enough ingredients for 20 different dining venues, plus servings for the 2,000-member crew. (The total cost, including such other consumables as paper towels, is about $800,000.) Overestimate the order, and the voyage becomes less-profitable (and wasteful); underestimate, and you’ll risk a riot over coconut shrimp.

Luckily, passengers’ eating habits are fairly predictable. On the average week-long cruise, Royal Caribbean estimates its guests will be 80 percent American, consuming around 3,000 bottles of wine, 7,000 pounds of chicken breast, and almost 100,000 eggs.

If more than 80 percent of the guests are American, the crew orders extra ketchup. When the percentage of Chinese passengers increases, they bump up the supply of sliced fruit, seafood, and rice. Latin Americans consume more red meat and Coronas (which also requires additional limes). And family-prone Spring Break cruises require three times as many chicken nuggets. The one thing that never changes no matter who is on board? Toilet paper. Around 9,600 rolls are used each week.

Every Ship Has an “Outbreak Prevention Plan,” With a Hair Trigger

Nothing is scarier to cruisers than a Norovirus outbreak—which ship doctor De La Rosa says is almost always caused by a passenger who has brought the illness aboard, rather than poor sanitary conditions on the ship.

The U.S. Health Department requires that every ship maintain a detailed OPP, or Outbreak Prevention Plan. On Harmony, regular sanitary conditions are called “OPP1,” and they get ratcheted up to “OPP2” when there’s a “6 in 6,” or six passengers reported ill in six hours. (You’ll know OPP2 is in full gear when the crew gets less subliminal about its “wash your hands” messaging.)

If the incidence rate escalates and the situation reaches OPP3, guests lose the ability to handle their own food. The entire crew, from the ice dancers to the synchronized swimmers, is recruited to the buffets to help serve, and all restaurants and guestroom linens are put in red biohazard bags and obsessively laundered in a special facility on land.

If you want to avoid Norovirus like, well, the plague, stay away from short sailings, says figure skater and veteran crew member Chris Mabee. “Those trips tend to be the least-expensive, attracting both older passengers, who are prone to getting sick, and the young booze cruisers, who forget about hygiene.”

As for the most common diagnoses at sea? They include upper respiratory infections, bruised bones, and the odd Viagra mishap. UTIs are also frequent, thanks to frisky honeymooners, and prescribing antibiotics can be hairy when passengers are committed to their all-you-can-drink packages.

Crew Members Are Trained to Deal with Handsy Passengers …

Sleeping with a passenger will get you “chicken or beef,” as Pavlov puts it—“That’s what a flight attendant asks you when you’re put on the first flight home.”

The zero-tolerance policy seems to be an industry-wide standard—at Royal Caribbean, there’s even staff training on how to defuse an escalating situation. More often than not, it’s a vacationing guest trying to seduce a crew member. “Whenever I take photos with people, I always give a thumbs up,” notes Pavlov. “My hands are visible, so no one can claim any inappropriate behavior.” And with cameras covering virtually every nook and cranny of the ship, it’d be easier to rob a bank than take a bite of some forbidden fruit. (Though some crew members still use Grindr or Tinder to get a sense of who’s on board.)

… but the Staff Quarters Are a Genuine Love Boat

With 2,200 crew, the staff quarters are a village unto themselves, with cabins, bars, a mess hall, shop, and gym set across decks 0, 1, 2, 3, and 12. (Most services are set off a second-deck corridor dubbed “I-95.”)

Among the crew, dating is not just allowed but tacitly encouraged—they live onboard through the entirety of their contract without days off, often 10 months a year. They have their own calendar of daily events that range from karaoke sessions to poker games and foreign language classes. And since Wi-Fi is pricey, romance is very much analog.

Coupling up on the ship is like dating in dog years: Things move about seven times faster. Several crew members recounted instances when they put in a request to share a cabin with their new boyfriend after only a month of dating, or dropped the “I love you” bomb within the first week of meeting someone. And since relationships often end once one person leaves the ship, cruise couples tend to become “l(fā)ifers.” (Almost everyone I met in upper management met their spouse onboard.)

The Ship Has Genies, and They Can Perform Magic

Although bargain-basement discounts draw plenty of travelers to big-ship cruising, procuring Royal Caribbean’s VIP status can offer a true luxury experience. The easiest way to get it is by booking into the Royal Suites Star Class; the company’s crème de la crème offering includes 10 state-of-the-art apartments on Harmony of the Seas, with privileged access to pleb-free parts of the ship and butler-style service from a coterie of “Royal Genies.”

The Genies are trained to cater to your every whim, but with limited resources at sea, this can require real creativity. Daniel, one of the genies, once had a couple ask for their suite to be filled with flowers. Unable to secure real bouquets, he had the pastry team bake dozens of petal-shaped cookies and scattered them around the room. And when one family got locked out of a peak-season December sailing, genie Andrei surprised them with an early Christmas by decorating their suite and putting wrapped presents under a makeshift tree.

“The hardest thing to do is host a celebrity on board,” says Andrei, who has served a slew of A-listers and their families, including Kelsey Grammer, Adam Sandler, and Seth Rogen. To give them privacy amid thousands of cruisers, he says, “We usher them into shows after the lights go dark, and we grab them to leave five minutes before the show is done.”

No matter how you earn your VIP status—or if you’ve earned it at all—my time on board proved that the crew will always bend over backwards to make sure you leave satisfied. Want to thank them? Tipping is great, but comment cards that explicitly name standout crew members make more of a difference. Your praise gets noted on their permanent record, earns them such onboard perks as free Wi-Fi, and helps secure promotions down the road.