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親愛的安妮：我知道你寫了很多關(guān)于軟技能的文章，其中有些文章也談到了在工作中傾聽他人的重要性。如果你的確在傾聽別人，但別人卻不覺得你在傾聽他們，這時該怎么辦？我領(lǐng)導(dǎo)著一個16個人的團(tuán)隊，團(tuán)隊里至少有一兩個人曾經(jīng)向我的老板告狀，說他們“沒有感到自己被傾聽”。因此我的老板對我說，我“需要成為一個更好的傾聽者”，但他并沒有明確指出我目前到底存在什么問題。我也不敢去問他，因為在我們這種“不拼命游泳就要沉底”的文化里，你必須自己解決你的問題。你對我的情況有什么建議嗎？——洗耳恭聽

親愛的洗耳恭聽：不管你的傾聽技巧存在哪些問題，你都要振作些，因為它并不都是你的錯。美國亞特蘭大的LMA Communication公司的總裁貝弗莉·蘭福德曾指出：“我們的文化并不鼓勵傾聽。對于傾聽，我們不過只是口頭上說得天花亂綴罷了，實際上我們的社會只會獎勵說話者，而不是傾聽者?！碧m福德在她的新書《禮儀的優(yōu)勢：現(xiàn)代禮儀對商業(yè)成功的重要性》（The Etiquette Edge: Modern Manners for Business Success）中指出，人們之所以忽視了傾聽的重要性，是由于傾聽往往被視作一種“消極活動”。比如你是否注意過，假如某人想?yún)⒓右淮螘h，如果他沒有參與到會議論討中，他就會說“我只是去聽聽”？

蘭福德在書中寫道：真正的傾聽“絕對不是被動地聽。真正的傾聽需要我們付出大量心力，并且集中精神?！敝匀绱?，部分原因是由于傾聽會迫使我們放慢思考速度。人類的思考慮速度大約是每分鐘500詞，但是大多數(shù)人的說話速度只有每分鐘150詞。而我們的大腦往往并沒有利用這種速率上的差異去思考對方剛剛說了什么，而是完全將思緒飄到了別處。

順便說一句，《禮儀的優(yōu)勢》是一本非常實用的指南，能夠幫助讀者培養(yǎng)當(dāng)今社會最需要的一系列“軟技能”。以下關(guān)于傾聽的四條建議就來自《禮儀的優(yōu)勢》一書以及與蘭福德本人的談話。

建議對方挑一個更好的時間。有的公司可能允許員工隨時向領(lǐng)導(dǎo)反映問題，還有的公司采用了開放式的辦公場所。這些對開展協(xié)作很有效，但它也常常會帶來一系列令人分心的事。比如你正在處理一項緊急事務(wù)，這時一名員工卻來找你談話，那你手頭的工作還干得下去嗎？所以蘭福德在書中寫道：“讓我們面對事實吧，有時我們根本無法集中精神傾聽某人在說什么?！迸c其勉為其難地當(dāng)場分出一些精力和他談話，還不如另約個時間稍后再聊。大多數(shù)人“發(fā)現(xiàn)你對他們的問題很上心，愿意找一個更好的時間單獨解決它時，都會非常高興”。

了解自己的敏感點。每個人都有一些敏感點。蘭福德在她的書中寫道：“不管我們聲稱自己的心胸有多開放，我們都有一些情感上的包袱影響了我們的傾聽能力。個別字句、語調(diào)甚至連一個人的外表，都有可能觸發(fā)我們的負(fù)面反應(yīng)，從而影響我們對對方的接納程度。”比如某個人正在臺前演講，“她的樣子和說話聲音像極了你小時候最討厭的卡梅拉阿姨，所以她要想過你這一關(guān)可就難了?！备愀獾氖?，這位神似卡梅拉阿姨的大姐壓根不知道自己怎么得罪了你。所以你要意識到“正常反應(yīng)和下意識反應(yīng)”的區(qū)別，在傾聽時盡量克服你的下意識反應(yīng)。

傾聽“言外之意”。蘭福德指出：“如果你只聽見了從某人口中說出的言辭，你可能會漏掉一些更加重要的意思。”說話者的面部表情、語氣語調(diào)、眼神交流以及肢體語言都是非常重要的。“對方是不是心口不一呢？有沒有可能對方嘴上說‘我同意’，他的肢體語言卻表明‘我不同意’？”有些人可能嘴上說他喜歡你的點子，但他本人卻雙手抱著胳膊沒精打采地靠在椅背上，這充分表明他想的和說的是兩回事。所以你一定要既傾聽“言下之意”，也要傾聽“言外之意”，并且對兩者都要給出回應(yīng)。

確認(rèn)你剛剛聽到的內(nèi)容。你的團(tuán)隊成員抱怨道，他們感到自己沒有被“傾聽”。蘭福德認(rèn)為，這或許是由于他們覺得你對他們告訴你的內(nèi)容沒有任何反應(yīng)?！坝锌赡苣銓δ橙说幕貞?yīng)給他留下了敷衍了事的印象。我們可能都有過這樣的經(jīng)歷：在開會的時候，某人就一個問題清晰地發(fā)表了很多見解，但領(lǐng)導(dǎo)最多只是不置可否地點了一下頭，就馬上叫下一個人發(fā)言了?！彼阅呐履銜r間緊迫，也要花上幾秒鐘確認(rèn)一下對方剛剛說過的內(nèi)容，不管是簡要總結(jié)一下也好，問一個相關(guān)的問題也好。或者你也可以用其他方式示意你剛剛在集中精神聽他的問題。

你可能要花上一陣子時間才能成為一個更有效的傾聽者，因為和任何一件需要學(xué)習(xí)的事情一樣，傾聽也是一項需要訓(xùn)練的技巧。蘭福德本人也在佐治亞州立大學(xué)向MBA學(xué)生傳授溝通技巧。她表示，那些請她做高管輔導(dǎo)的公司，也會經(jīng)常請她就如何有效傾聽的課題去給員工做上一個小時或半天的講座。

她表示：“我經(jīng)常謝絕他們的邀請，因為傾聽不是一個小時或一個下午就能學(xué)會的。傾聽在本質(zhì)是上一種心態(tài)，首先你得真心地想從對方要說的話中學(xué)到些什么，也就是做一個真正好奇的人，這樣才能成為一個更好的傾聽者?！?/p>

祝你好運(yùn)。

有職業(yè)方面的問題，或陷入了職場困境？請將你的問題發(fā)送至askannie@fortune.com（財富中文網(wǎng)）

譯者：樸成奎

Dear Annie:?I know you’ve written a lot about?soft skills, including how important it is to listen well at work — but what can you do if you are listening but people think you aren’t? I lead a team of 16 people, at least one (or possibly two) of whom apparently told my boss they don’t “feel heard.” So my boss told me I “need to be a better listener,” without elaborating on what exactly is wrong with how I’m listening now. I hesitated to ask him, because this is the kind of sink-or-swim culture where you’re supposed to figure things out for yourself, but do you have any ideas for me? —All Ears

Dear A.E.:?Whatever your shortcomings as a listener might be, cheer up. They’re not entirely your fault. “Our culture does not encourage listening,” observes Beverly Langford, president of Atlanta-based LMA Communication. “We give lip service to it, but our society rewards the talker, not the listener.” One reason is that paying close attention to what someone else is saying is viewed as “a non-activity,” she notes in a new book,?The Etiquette Edge: Modern Manners for Business Success. Ever notice, for example, that when someone wants to attend a meeting, but not participate in it, they say they’re “just going to listen”?

Yet real listening is “anything but passive,” Langford writes. “It takes an enormous amount of mental energy and concentration” — partly because it forces us to slow down. Humans think at a rate of about 500 words per minute, but most people speak at a rate of only 150 words in those 60 seconds. Instead of using that gap to think about what’s being said, she notes, our minds often tend to wander off to somewhere else entirely.

The Etiquette Edge, by the way, is a practical, down-to-earth guide to developing a wide range of the soft skills most in demand these days. Here are 4 ideas from the book, and from a conversation with Langford, on how to listen:

Suggest a better time.?Open-door policies and open-plan offices are great for collaboration, but they can create a constant stream of distractions. So can whatever urgent stuff you’ve already got going on when a colleague is trying to get your full attention. “Let’s face it. Sometimes we just aren’t in the frame of mind to concentrate on what someone is saying,” Langford writes. Rather than try to squeeze the conversation in around the edges of your mind, make an appointment to talk later. Most people are “flattered that you care enough about what they have to say to find a better time to focus on it.”

Be aware of your own hot buttons.?Everyone has a few. “No matter how open-minded we claim to be, we all carry emotional baggage that interferes with our ability to listen,” writes Langford. “Words, phrases, and voice inflections — or even a person’s appearance — can trigger negative reactions that shut down our receptivity.” Someone making a presentation, for instance, “who looks and sounds alarmingly like your Aunt Carmella, whose visits you always dreaded, is going to face a particular challenge getting through to you” — and, worse, she won’t know why. Practice spotting the difference between a “l(fā)egitimate reaction and a knee-jerk reflex, and focus on overcoming the latter when you’re listening.”

Listen “between the lines.” If you only hear the words someone is saying, “you may miss the more important meanings,” Langford notes. Facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, and posture all matter. “Are you receiving mixed signals? Do the words say ‘I’m on board’ while the body language says, ‘I’d rather be anywhere than here’?” Someone who tells you he loves your idea, for example, while slouching way back in his chair with his arms crossed against his chest, is actually saying two very different things. Make sure you’re hearing, and responding to, both of them.

Acknowledge what you just heard.?Your team members’ complaint that they don’t “feel heard,” Langford says, probably means that they don’t think you’ve taken any action based on what they told you. One possibility is that “your response to what someone said came across as perfunctory or dismissive. We’ve all been in meetings where someone clearly put a lot of thought into a point they were making — only to have the leader move quickly on to the next person with barely a nod.” Even if you’re pressed for time, take a few seconds to acknowledge what’s just been said, whether by briefly summarizing it, asking a pertinent question, or otherwise indicating your mind wasn’t elsewhere.

It may take you a while to become a more effective listener since, like anything else worth learning, it takes practice. Langford, who teaches communications skills to MBA students at Georgia State, says she often gets asked by companies where she does executive coaching to come in and give a one-hour or half-day seminar to employees on how to listen better.

“I always decline to do that, because it isn’t something you can learn in an hour, or in an afternoon,” she says. “”Listening is mainly a mindset. You need to want to learn from people by hearing what they have to say. Be genuinely curious.”

Good luck.

Got a career question, or a workplace dilemma? Send it to askannie@fortune.com.