當(dāng)芭芭拉·科克蘭年滿70歲時(shí),她為自己舉辦了一場盛大的“假葬禮”。
“大家都以為這是一個(gè)宣傳噱頭,”這位精明的房地產(chǎn)大亨兼《創(chuàng)智贏家》的制片人和聯(lián)合主演如今說道?!拔疫@么做只是為了嚇嚇我的朋友們。他們確實(shí)被嚇到了。如果他們有那么一瞬間以為我真的去世了,那就值了?!?/p>
正因?yàn)槿绱耍瓶颂m在今年春天慶祝她75歲生日時(shí),選擇了更為低調(diào)的方式:她與一群朋友在開曼群島度過了幾天,而朋友們?yōu)榻o她驚喜,全部打扮成她的樣子,僅此而已。“我想不出(比假葬禮)更好的點(diǎn)子,”她承認(rèn)道。“畢竟那是在跟自己較勁!聽起來沒有什么主意能像那次那么有趣了?!?/p>
然而,不要誤以為她的幽默感意味著她能坦然面對變老。不可否認(rèn),她非常愛美,盡管她用媒體事業(yè)來為自己做過的三次整容手術(shù)辯解(“每十年一次!”),并且毫不避諱地分享這一經(jīng)歷,但她相信即使沒有這些職業(yè)需求,她也會選擇做手術(shù)。
“我對自我形象的認(rèn)知很大程度上來自于我在鏡子里看到的自己,”她對《財(cái)富》雜志表示,“如果我看起來精神煥發(fā)、心情愉快,一整天都會感覺良好?!?/p>
除此之外,她還有一個(gè)更為嚴(yán)重的擔(dān)憂:是否會患上阿爾茨海默癥。
“幾個(gè)月前,我在冰箱里發(fā)現(xiàn)了我的手機(jī)。”她坦言道。她當(dāng)時(shí)感到十分害怕,盡管醫(yī)生的一系列認(rèn)知測試確認(rèn)她并沒有患病,但考慮到她的兩位好朋友、祖母以及她的母親佛羅倫斯都曾罹患阿爾茨海默癥,她對這種疾病的恐懼是可以理解的。她的母親12年前因阿爾茨海默癥去世,享年88歲。
如今,科克蘭剛剛從深深的悲痛中走出來,她親眼目睹了母親的“消失”。這個(gè)過程長達(dá)九年,其中近一半的時(shí)間尤其艱難。她渴望分享自己的經(jīng)歷,希望能夠幫助到他人。
“我想我花了很長時(shí)間才消化這一切,”她說道。
應(yīng)對母親的阿爾茨海默癥
科克蘭回憶,母親的病癥最初是從一些小事開始的,如健忘、丟失眼鏡。但后來,母親甚至連最要好的朋友的名字也記不住了。
她真正“驚慌失措”,是有一次母親在她弟弟的公寓過夜后醒來,“竟然不知道自己身在何處”。
正是在那時(shí),科克蘭和她的兄弟姐妹們一起組成了一個(gè)護(hù)理小組。他們共有10個(gè)兄弟姐妹,都是由父母在新澤西的一個(gè)兩居室里撫養(yǎng)長大的??瓶颂m提到,她的弟弟T率先報(bào)名參加了一門關(guān)于如何照顧阿爾茨海默癥患者的課程。
“他教會了我們?nèi)绾握疹櫮赣H,我們也都達(dá)成了一致,”她說道。“他教我們?nèi)绾紊钤谀赣H的現(xiàn)實(shí)中。”所以當(dāng)母親大喊床底下有蛇時(shí),兄弟姐妹們不會說“沒有蛇”,而是會走進(jìn)房間,找到那條“蛇”,然后“把蛇打出來”。當(dāng)母親問起已經(jīng)去世的父親時(shí),兄弟姐妹們也會采取類似的方式應(yīng)對。
“我們花了很多時(shí)間告訴她,‘對不起,媽媽,爸爸已經(jīng)去世了,’然后她又會重新陷入失去父親的悲痛,”科克蘭說道。“直到有一天,T打電話給我們,說‘爸爸正在外面熱車?!瘡哪且院?,我們都對母親說‘爸爸在外面熱車’?!庇幸欢螘r(shí)間,母親甚至抱著一個(gè)洋娃娃,似乎在她的退行中找到了快樂。兄弟姐妹們也接受了她的這個(gè)行為。
但看著母親漸漸遠(yuǎn)去,科克蘭回憶說,“那是一種無比的悲傷。因?yàn)樽鳛槟赣H,她對我們來說就是一個(gè)充滿愛的存在?!?/p>
依靠家庭支持
在這個(gè)過程中,家人間的相互支持至關(guān)重要。雖然很多兄弟姐妹在照顧年邁父母時(shí),往往因?yàn)橛行┤顺袚?dān)的責(zé)任更多而發(fā)生爭執(zhí)或心生怨恨,但科克蘭表示,他們家在分配任務(wù)時(shí)還是比較公平的。
“我的職責(zé)是支付所有的費(fèi)用,”她說道。她每周還會和弟弟一起去看望母親,而她的一個(gè)姐姐住在母親家對面,隨時(shí)待命。另一位姐姐是臨終關(guān)懷護(hù)士,在母親進(jìn)入臨終關(guān)懷時(shí)負(fù)責(zé)監(jiān)督她的護(hù)理。但她補(bǔ)充道:“有一個(gè)兄弟實(shí)在無法接受這個(gè)現(xiàn)實(shí),他無法去看望母親?!?/p>
有研究發(fā)現(xiàn),女兒照顧年邁父母的時(shí)間約是兒子的兩倍。盡管照顧年邁父母的責(zé)任通常落在女兒身上,但科克蘭特別稱贊了她的弟弟T,認(rèn)為他在家中起到了領(lǐng)導(dǎo)作用。而她認(rèn)為,這與他的性取向有關(guān)。
“我非常喜歡同性戀男性,因?yàn)樗麄兏用舾?,”她說道。她還分享了一個(gè)故事:她的弟弟甚至?xí)槕?yīng)母親的幻覺,假裝自己是已故的父親?!八麖堥_雙臂,像我父親以前一樣說,‘親愛的弗洛莉’,母親以為他是埃德,以為父親回來了,他們還會伴著老式音樂跳舞。這讓人很傷感?!?/p>
作為“夾心一代”的年長成員,科克蘭在母親患病期間,還在撫養(yǎng)兩個(gè)孩子。她46歲時(shí)通過試管嬰兒(使用姐姐的卵子)生下一個(gè)孩子,56歲時(shí)和丈夫比爾·希金斯又收養(yǎng)了一個(gè)孩子。而她表示,這些孩子更多是支持來源,而非額外的負(fù)擔(dān)?!昂⒆觽兊男膽B(tài)更開放,他們不會因此感到沮喪。他們很樂意去看望外婆,”她提到自己的兒子和女兒時(shí)說道,他們在外婆去世時(shí)分別是18歲和8歲。
回顧過去,科克蘭希望自己在母親去世時(shí)能夠少一些堅(jiān)忍,并建議其他人不要像她那樣。
“我經(jīng)歷了很多情感上和身體上的挑戰(zhàn),才達(dá)到了我想要達(dá)到的目標(biāo),但我總覺得自己應(yīng)該振作起來并堅(jiān)持下去,這是一種能力,”她說道?!暗乙f的是,照顧患阿爾茨海默癥的母親讓我非常悲傷,特別是在最后四年我覺得自己有些抑郁。我或許應(yīng)該去看心理醫(yī)生。我想幫助照顧她,但同時(shí)也感到沉重和悲傷。家里的每個(gè)人都是這樣。所以,我認(rèn)為找一個(gè)支持者非常重要?!?/p>
如今,科克蘭有幾位朋友獨(dú)自照顧患有阿爾茨海默癥的父母,這讓她感到十分驚訝?!艾F(xiàn)在有很多支持團(tuán)體,”她說道?!氨热缃渚颇涿麜ˋA)。每個(gè)城市都有很多支持團(tuán)體,大家可以聚在一起聊聊,這真的會讓人感覺好很多?!彼€推薦了線上資源RecognizeAlzheimersAgitation.com,這是她最近參與的一個(gè)宣傳活動。
自母親去世以來,科克蘭在面對悲傷時(shí)也學(xué)到了很多?!昂冒桑磺卸冀Y(jié)束了。她安息了。她去了該去的地方,”她重復(fù)著那些常聽到的安慰話語?!暗覜]有那種感覺,”她說道,時(shí)至今日,她仍舊思念著母親。(財(cái)富中文網(wǎng))
翻譯:劉進(jìn)龍
審校:汪皓
當(dāng)芭芭拉·科克蘭年滿70歲時(shí),她為自己舉辦了一場盛大的“假葬禮”。
“大家都以為這是一個(gè)宣傳噱頭,”這位精明的房地產(chǎn)大亨兼《創(chuàng)智贏家》的制片人和聯(lián)合主演如今說道?!拔疫@么做只是為了嚇嚇我的朋友們。他們確實(shí)被嚇到了。如果他們有那么一瞬間以為我真的去世了,那就值了?!?/p>
正因?yàn)槿绱?,科克蘭在今年春天慶祝她75歲生日時(shí),選擇了更為低調(diào)的方式:她與一群朋友在開曼群島度過了幾天,而朋友們?yōu)榻o她驚喜,全部打扮成她的樣子,僅此而已?!拔蚁氩怀觯ū燃僭岫Y)更好的點(diǎn)子,”她承認(rèn)道?!爱吘鼓鞘窃诟约狠^勁!聽起來沒有什么主意能像那次那么有趣了?!?/p>
然而,不要誤以為她的幽默感意味著她能坦然面對變老。不可否認(rèn),她非常愛美,盡管她用媒體事業(yè)來為自己做過的三次整容手術(shù)辯解(“每十年一次!”),并且毫不避諱地分享這一經(jīng)歷,但她相信即使沒有這些職業(yè)需求,她也會選擇做手術(shù)。
“我對自我形象的認(rèn)知很大程度上來自于我在鏡子里看到的自己,”她對《財(cái)富》雜志表示,“如果我看起來精神煥發(fā)、心情愉快,一整天都會感覺良好?!?/p>
除此之外,她還有一個(gè)更為嚴(yán)重的擔(dān)憂:是否會患上阿爾茨海默癥。
“幾個(gè)月前,我在冰箱里發(fā)現(xiàn)了我的手機(jī)?!彼寡缘?。她當(dāng)時(shí)感到十分害怕,盡管醫(yī)生的一系列認(rèn)知測試確認(rèn)她并沒有患病,但考慮到她的兩位好朋友、祖母以及她的母親佛羅倫斯都曾罹患阿爾茨海默癥,她對這種疾病的恐懼是可以理解的。她的母親12年前因阿爾茨海默癥去世,享年88歲。
如今,科克蘭剛剛從深深的悲痛中走出來,她親眼目睹了母親的“消失”。這個(gè)過程長達(dá)九年,其中近一半的時(shí)間尤其艱難。她渴望分享自己的經(jīng)歷,希望能夠幫助到他人。
“我想我花了很長時(shí)間才消化這一切,”她說道。
應(yīng)對母親的阿爾茨海默癥
科克蘭回憶,母親的病癥最初是從一些小事開始的,如健忘、丟失眼鏡。但后來,母親甚至連最要好的朋友的名字也記不住了。
她真正“驚慌失措”,是有一次母親在她弟弟的公寓過夜后醒來,“竟然不知道自己身在何處”。
正是在那時(shí),科克蘭和她的兄弟姐妹們一起組成了一個(gè)護(hù)理小組。他們共有10個(gè)兄弟姐妹,都是由父母在新澤西的一個(gè)兩居室里撫養(yǎng)長大的。科克蘭提到,她的弟弟T率先報(bào)名參加了一門關(guān)于如何照顧阿爾茨海默癥患者的課程。
“他教會了我們?nèi)绾握疹櫮赣H,我們也都達(dá)成了一致,”她說道?!八涛覀?nèi)绾紊钤谀赣H的現(xiàn)實(shí)中。”所以當(dāng)母親大喊床底下有蛇時(shí),兄弟姐妹們不會說“沒有蛇”,而是會走進(jìn)房間,找到那條“蛇”,然后“把蛇打出來”。當(dāng)母親問起已經(jīng)去世的父親時(shí),兄弟姐妹們也會采取類似的方式應(yīng)對。
“我們花了很多時(shí)間告訴她,‘對不起,媽媽,爸爸已經(jīng)去世了,’然后她又會重新陷入失去父親的悲痛,”科克蘭說道?!爸钡接幸惶欤琓打電話給我們,說‘爸爸正在外面熱車?!瘡哪且院?,我們都對母親說‘爸爸在外面熱車’?!庇幸欢螘r(shí)間,母親甚至抱著一個(gè)洋娃娃,似乎在她的退行中找到了快樂。兄弟姐妹們也接受了她的這個(gè)行為。
但看著母親漸漸遠(yuǎn)去,科克蘭回憶說,“那是一種無比的悲傷。因?yàn)樽鳛槟赣H,她對我們來說就是一個(gè)充滿愛的存在?!?/p>
依靠家庭支持
在這個(gè)過程中,家人間的相互支持至關(guān)重要。雖然很多兄弟姐妹在照顧年邁父母時(shí),往往因?yàn)橛行┤顺袚?dān)的責(zé)任更多而發(fā)生爭執(zhí)或心生怨恨,但科克蘭表示,他們家在分配任務(wù)時(shí)還是比較公平的。
“我的職責(zé)是支付所有的費(fèi)用,”她說道。她每周還會和弟弟一起去看望母親,而她的一個(gè)姐姐住在母親家對面,隨時(shí)待命。另一位姐姐是臨終關(guān)懷護(hù)士,在母親進(jìn)入臨終關(guān)懷時(shí)負(fù)責(zé)監(jiān)督她的護(hù)理。但她補(bǔ)充道:“有一個(gè)兄弟實(shí)在無法接受這個(gè)現(xiàn)實(shí),他無法去看望母親?!?/p>
有研究發(fā)現(xiàn),女兒照顧年邁父母的時(shí)間約是兒子的兩倍。盡管照顧年邁父母的責(zé)任通常落在女兒身上,但科克蘭特別稱贊了她的弟弟T,認(rèn)為他在家中起到了領(lǐng)導(dǎo)作用。而她認(rèn)為,這與他的性取向有關(guān)。
“我非常喜歡同性戀男性,因?yàn)樗麄兏用舾?,”她說道。她還分享了一個(gè)故事:她的弟弟甚至?xí)槕?yīng)母親的幻覺,假裝自己是已故的父親?!八麖堥_雙臂,像我父親以前一樣說,‘親愛的弗洛莉’,母親以為他是埃德,以為父親回來了,他們還會伴著老式音樂跳舞。這讓人很傷感?!?/p>
作為“夾心一代”的年長成員,科克蘭在母親患病期間,還在撫養(yǎng)兩個(gè)孩子。她46歲時(shí)通過試管嬰兒(使用姐姐的卵子)生下一個(gè)孩子,56歲時(shí)和丈夫比爾·希金斯又收養(yǎng)了一個(gè)孩子。而她表示,這些孩子更多是支持來源,而非額外的負(fù)擔(dān)?!昂⒆觽兊男膽B(tài)更開放,他們不會因此感到沮喪。他們很樂意去看望外婆,”她提到自己的兒子和女兒時(shí)說道,他們在外婆去世時(shí)分別是18歲和8歲。
回顧過去,科克蘭希望自己在母親去世時(shí)能夠少一些堅(jiān)忍,并建議其他人不要像她那樣。
“我經(jīng)歷了很多情感上和身體上的挑戰(zhàn),才達(dá)到了我想要達(dá)到的目標(biāo),但我總覺得自己應(yīng)該振作起來并堅(jiān)持下去,這是一種能力,”她說道?!暗乙f的是,照顧患阿爾茨海默癥的母親讓我非常悲傷,特別是在最后四年我覺得自己有些抑郁。我或許應(yīng)該去看心理醫(yī)生。我想幫助照顧她,但同時(shí)也感到沉重和悲傷。家里的每個(gè)人都是這樣。所以,我認(rèn)為找一個(gè)支持者非常重要。”
如今,科克蘭有幾位朋友獨(dú)自照顧患有阿爾茨海默癥的父母,這讓她感到十分驚訝。“現(xiàn)在有很多支持團(tuán)體,”她說道?!氨热缃渚颇涿麜ˋA)。每個(gè)城市都有很多支持團(tuán)體,大家可以聚在一起聊聊,這真的會讓人感覺好很多?!彼€推薦了線上資源RecognizeAlzheimersAgitation.com,這是她最近參與的一個(gè)宣傳活動。
自母親去世以來,科克蘭在面對悲傷時(shí)也學(xué)到了很多?!昂冒桑磺卸冀Y(jié)束了。她安息了。她去了該去的地方,”她重復(fù)著那些常聽到的安慰話語?!暗覜]有那種感覺,”她說道,時(shí)至今日,她仍舊思念著母親。(財(cái)富中文網(wǎng))
翻譯:劉進(jìn)龍
審校:汪皓
When Barbara Corcoran turned 70, she famously threw herself a mock funeral.
“Everybody thought it was a publicity stunt,” the puckish real estate mogul and Shark Tank producer/co-star says today. “I just did it to shock the shit out of my friends. And they were shocked. If they had one moment of thinking I was dead it was worth it.”
That’s why, for her 75th birthday this past spring, Corcoran, whose reported net worth is $100 million, tried something a little more staid: She spent a few days in the Cayman Islands with a group of friends—who all showed up dressed as her for a surprise—and left it at that. “I couldn’t think of a better idea [than the funeral],” she admits. “I mean, that was competing against myself! And nothing sounded like as much fun.”
Still, don’t mistake her good sense of humor to mean she’s at peace with getting older. She’s admittedly vain—and though she uses her media career to justify the three facelifts she’s had (“Every 10 years!”) and easily shares about, she believes she would’ve had them anyway.
“A lot of my self-image is what I see in the mirror,” she tells Fortune. “So if I’m looking fresh and happy, I feel good about myself the whole day.”
She also has a more serious preoccupation: that of developing Alzheimer’s disease.
“A couple of months ago, I found my phone in the freezer,” she admits. She was scared—and while a series of cognitive tests with her physician confirmed she does not have the disease, her fear of it is understandable, considering it has affected two of her good friends, her grandmother, and her mother, Florence, who died of Alzheimer’s 12 years ago at the age of 88.
Corcoran is just now coming out of a deep sadness around the experience of watching her mom disappear—a nine-year process that was very tough for about half of that time—and she’s eager to talk about it in case it could help others.
“I think it took a long time to process it,” she says.
Dealing with her mother’s Alzheimer’s
Her mom’s disease, she recalls, started with little things: forgetfulness, losing her glasses. But then she couldn’t remember her best friend’s name.
When she really “got alarmed,” she recalls, is when her mother woke up in her younger brother’s apartment after spending the night and “she didn’t know where she was.”
That’s when Corcoran and her siblings—all 10 of them, raised by their parents in a two-bedroom house in New Jersey—came together to form a care team. Her brother T, she says, led the way by signing up to take a course on how to care for people with Alzheimer’s.
“He taught all of us how to care for her and we all got on the same page,” she says. “He taught all of us to live in mom’s reality.” So when she would scream about there being a snake under her bed, for example, rather than saying, “No there’s not,” someone would go into the room, find the snake and “beat the hell out of it.” The siblings would react similarly when their mother asked for their father, who had died a few years before her illness.
“We spent time saying, ‘Oh, sorry mom, dad has passed away,’ and she’d go through all the mourning for him again,” Corcoran says. “Then T called us one day and he said, ‘Dad’s out warming up the car.’ So we all started saying to her, ‘Dad’s out warming up the car.’” For a time, her mother even carried around a baby doll, finding happiness in her regression. They went along with it.
But watching her fade away, Corcoran recalls, was “just very sad, more than anything else. Because she, as a mom to us, was a love bug.”
Relying on family support
Finding reinforcement in each other was crucial. While many siblings wind up fighting or dealing with resentments because some do more than others while caring for an elderly parent, Corcoran says they were pretty fair about splitting up the duties.
“My job was to pay for everything,” she says. She also visited weekly with her brother, while a sister lived across the street from their mom and remained on-call. Another sister was a hospice nurse, and got to oversee their mom’s care once she entered into hospice care. But, she adds, “There was one brother who just couldn’t take it. He couldn’t see my mother.”
While elderly parental caretaking so often falls on daughters—one study found that daughters provide about twice as many monthly hours of care as sons—Corcoran gives her brother T a lot of credit for taking the lead in the family. But that, she believes, is because he is gay.
“I love gay men, because they’re more sensitive,” she says, sharing that her brother would even go along with their mother’s delusion that he was their deceased father. “He held out his arms and said, ‘Florrie, baby,’ like my father used to. She thought he was Ed, that he was back, and he’d dance with her to old-fashioned music. That was sad.”
An older member of the sandwich generation, Corcoran was raising the kids she had at 46 (through IVF with a sister’s eggs) and at 56 (through adoption) with husband Bill Higgins throughout her mother’s illness—although she says they were more a source of support than additional stress. “Kids are more open minded and don’t get as depressed about it. They were not unhappy to go see grandmother,” she says about her son and daughter, who were 18 and 8 when she died.
Looking back, Corcoran wishes she had been a bit less stoic when going through the loss of her mother—and advises others not to follow her lead.
“I’ve been through a lot where it’s been extremely emotionally and physically challenging for me to get to where I want to go, but I always felt like I should shore myself up and get on with it. I think it’s a gift to have,” she says. “But I’ll tell you that Alzheimer’s with my mother was really—especially the last four years—I felt sad and I think I was partially depressed. I probably should’ve seen a psychologist. I wanted to help care for her, but I felt burdened and sad. Everybody in the family did. So I think getting somebody to hold your hand is key.”
Today, she has friends who are dealing with parents with Alzheimer’s all alone, which astounds her. “There are so many support groups out there,” she says. “It’s like AA, you know? There’s tons of support groups in every city. Get together and talk about it. That feels so good.” She recommends the online resource RecognizeAlzheimersAgitation.com, a campaign she’s recently partnered with.
Since her mother’s death, Corcoran has also learned a lot about grief. “OK, it’s over. She rests in peace. She’s where she’s supposed to be,” she says, repeating the platitudes she kept hearing from others. “But I didn’t feel it,” she says, still missing her today.